The past couple of weeks have been ones of profound reflection on what direction I’m headed in professionally, personally and otherwise. This has been somewhat of a mini-existential crisis, if you will. That surely makes it out to be rather cataclysmic, but I suppose I’ve always been one for unnervingly thorough self-analysis. The burning question is whether I should stay in my graduate school program and accumulate an asphyxiating amount of debt, and if it would lead me towards the kind of life I think I’m seeking in order to make that debt worth it. I’ve had that nervous feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right, although pinpointing what that something is has proven to be quite an elusive pursuit.
What I do know is that I’ve been seeking more creative outlets of self-expression. I’ve spoken to my parents, boyfriend, best friends, strangers, and having exhausted the advice of every possible outlet, I begged for the clarity to come to me in a dream (naturally, how else should one solve life’s most pressing problems?). Anyhow, at the risk of sounding slightly like I’ve gone off the deep end, I will share the dream I ended up having last night.
In it, someone called me on the phone to tell me my mother had died. Now for those of you who do not know my mother, she is buzzing with creative capacities. The woman can paint, sew, draw- you name it. In the dream, I am not sad, but rather intensely curious, so I go to my parents house to collect her belongings, but the only things I can find are her paintbrushes, paintings, and other art-related belongings, so I take them and place them around my apartment.
This is what I found on dreams about death:
“To dream about the death of a loved one suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. In particular, to dream about the death of your living parents indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life.”
So what do you think, should I leave school and seek something else, perhaps something more creatively in-tune, or should I stay on track and bludgeon my unsettling impulsivity with a sledgehammer?
On a less serious note: a couple of pictures from my lomography camera: